Just so you know…..

I am not writing this blog to just vent my thoughts. After awhile that can bore people. I did choose to use this as a venue to get my feelings out so that I am not always ranting to my friends. I also wanted to be able to at least write some things down that I haven’t told a single soul. I also wanted to share the things I have learned. Not only about marriage, my marriage and myself, but about other people.

So many people I have met, or seen online, are unhappy in their marriages. Since the breakup of my marriage I have found out friends are unhappy in theirs, friends who I thought were happy. It’s people’s dirty little secret. Happy family photos just mask unhappiness people don’t want to confront or talk about. Men sign up on dating sites saying they just want casual sex. I have spoken to a few and it turns out that they aren’t just missing sex in their relationships…it took talking to a strange woman online to realize that there is much more missing. More than just the physical connection. When it came down to it these guys realized they couldn’t make the time in their already busy lives to have a casual sex partner. Also, I think they realized it wasn’t really something they wanted to do. Plan to cheat on their wives. Anyway, I will get into this more later (I.e. why it is I was talking to married men online about casual sex).

Maybe some people will purely find my soap opera life interesting. Maybe someone can learn something from the things I write….and take that and choose to change their unhappiness and choose to live their best life. Whether that’s fixing what is broken in their marriage or ending it. Either way it takes courage to make a move. However, first it takes thought and self introspection to realize there is a problem at all.

Advertisements

Domestic violence captured on film

This is off topic, but I found this to be a fascinating and powerful photojournal of domestic violence. And how in the moment, you make a decision and just go with it. The journalist decided to instead of stepping into the situation, to document it photographically.

http://lightbox.time.com/2013/02/27/photographer-as-witness-a-portrait-of-domestic-violence/#1

Here is an update on the victim documented by the same journalist

http://lightbox.time.com/2013/03/25/video-a-portrait-of-domestic-violence/

How to Stay Together Forever: Advice from Couples Who Split Up

How to Stay Together Forever: Advice from Couples Who Split Up.

Most of this I can say is true. As someone who has failed in marriage. Communication is so very important. After we split up, I realized so many things were missing from our relationship that would have brought satisfaction and fulfillment and these things were missing simply due to a lack of communication. Mostly on my part really. I was unhappy in many aspects but couldn’t vocalize it. So I avoided it and how I felt and eventually just started avoiding my husband all together. It wasn’t until after we split that a light bulb went off in my head and I realized that we were missing not only a physical/sexual connection, but and emotional and intellectually stimulating one as well. All due essentially to a lack of communicating our wants and needs, happiness or unhappiness, feelings. You name it, we didn’t talk about it. Our conversations revolved around running the household, managing his business and our children. That was it. For years.

So unknowingly, I sought these connections out from other sources. I honestly didn’t realize at the time I was missing so many things from my marriage. It took becoming friends with two people at work to make me see this. One was a female coworker who was also having marriage issues. We bonded emotionally over our situations and talked constantly, daily. Inside and outside of work. The other was a young male coworker. We actually had the same birthday and became fast friends because we enjoyed similar music and were on the same level intellectually. Actually, he was smarter than I, he was the smartest man I have ever met. Also the most selfish, emotionally inept and most difficult to communicate with. So I developed my intellectual connection with him, but on an another level he made me feel passionate emotions I hadn’t felt in a long time. And not in the manner you may think….he made me so mad and frustrated sometimes. Because he was so smart he would challenge me on work decisions I made, over and over. And we never agreed on anything and it was overly frustrating. Sometimes he said things that angered me, and vice versa. I hadn’t felt anger or frustration on that level for so long, as my husband and I never ever fought. Like I said, total lack of communication, yes I know, on both our parts.

So, there came a point where I communicated how I felt to my husband. But, it was too late, the damage was done. I pushed him away too far, ignored him too long, went too long without saying how I felt, what I wanted. We were broken. Right at this same time, he met someone else. I truly believe that had he not met this woman, well we would have at least further opened the lines of communication and if not tried to fix our marriage, at least would have gone through the emotions of separating together and finalized things in some way. Instead, the lines of communication closed back up again. They opened a crack, for a short while.

Loneliness

I can’t seem to wrap my head around the concept that I was lonely while I was married,yet I wanted freedom. Now I have that freedom yet I am lonely. Just in a different way now.

My husband and I separated five months ago. You can call it amicable in the sense that we both were unhappy and felt separating was the right thing to do. At the same time deep down I didn’t want him to leave me. I didn’t want to be left, abandoned. But on the flip side I was too chicken to be the one to walk away. That is such a huge step.

So, things were amicable, and we are getting along for our children’s sake. Yet there is so much not communicated, so much unresolved and nothing feels finalized. It was just, that’s it, we are unhappy. I broke his heart by saying I was not in love with him anymore. And he left. Just so happens a week after I said that to him he met a pretty girl at a party. And started seeing her right away and essentially dating her as soon as he left. So lucky him, he had a pretty girl to make him feel better about it all. I suffered alone. Still do.

A friend suggested I keep a journal to help me. You can only dump on and rant to your friends so much before they get tired of listening. So I will try this route. I have no idea if anyone will read it. I don’t care.

This is my experience with marriage, separation, loneliness and what I have learned from other married people. Friends and men I have met online who say they are looking for casual sex but then discover that much more than sex is missing from their lives.

I have learned a lot this past year….